2010 • Volume 14 • Number 3

Don't You Trust Me?

Young adolescents believe that they are quite capable of being on their own; unfortunately, many parents and guardians go along with this idea. More independence, more responsibilities, more privacy—yes, but complete freedom? Absolutely not.

Research suggests that 10- to 15-year-olds have trouble planning ahead and making reasonable decisions because certain areas of their brains are not yet fully developed. Additionally, we know that peer pressure is strongest at this age. To allow a young adolescent—even the most charming and seemingly dependable boy or girl—to be alone unsupervised for more than a few hours is definitely asking for trouble.

Try to limit the amount of time your child is home alone. Be sure to set up guidelines as to what behavior is expected during the time he or she is unsupervised and whether or not he or she is allowed to have friends over. If possible, monitor by phone at set check-in times. If your child is planning to go to a friend's house, make sure you call to check with the other parent or guardian about supervision.

Some young adolescents will complain, saying, "You don't trust me." Assure them that it is not a matter of trust but a requirement of parenting. It is our responsibility to set boundaries and think ahead in an effort to protect them from unintended consequences.

Connecting Families

Many middle grades programs offer opportunities for project-based learning. Projects are long-term activities that help students pull together the concepts they are learning in a unit. Often, students work in groups with their classmates. Examples would be writing a play, shooting a video, building a model of some sort, or setting up an exhibit. Young adolescents tend to be superb procrastinators, so the greatest help parents and guardians can offer in these projects is assisting their children in setting up a timeline with clear deadlines and then helping them to stay on track with their deadlines.

B-Cybersmart

When young adolescents are asked to do research online, it can be difficult for them to know what is a valuable resource and what is not. Hopefully, the teacher has offered some guidelines for this, but you can discuss sources with your child as well. The opinion of a blogger or advertiser might not be as merit-worthy as that of a more objective source.

It's OK to Say "No"

Is it true that all those other parents are letting their kids watch "R" rated movies, stay out late, and dress like, well, that? Probably not, and even if it were true, you have to stick with your family values and just say no.

There are certainly areas where parents and guardians of middle schoolers have to let go a little, but only a little. Kids will use the "everyone else gets to…" argument, but don't buy it. Instead, talk with other parents, and you'll find out that they are looking for some support for their guidelines as well.

You might even get together with other parents (and the school, if possible) to write up a short list of expectations, including curfew time, party supervision, TV/online policies, and apparel no-nos. This list can be posted on the refrigerator and referred to when arguments arise.

Some parents will not abide by the list. Nevertheless, you are the adult in your family and you get to decide what is reasonable and what is not for your family. Saying "no" might not be what your child wants from you right now, but it will serve her well when she is looking for values to rely on in the future.

You were wondering ...

Middle school seems to involve a lot more homework than my child is used to. When I try to help, we just end up arguing. What's the deal with homework, anyway?

I can think of a lot better things to argue about than homework: curfew, for example, or courtesy and respect. If your child's school requires homework, consequences for homework performance lie with the teacher, not with you.

Your job as a parent or guardian is to provide a time and place for homework to be tackled. If you are asked for help, give it, but cautiously. Young adolescents don't like criticism, so couch your concerns in an even tone of voice. Once you have offered your view, step back. It's your child's homework, not yours.

As a parent, you should monitor your child's homework to see if it is meaningful (not just mindless practice), of appropriate length (15 minutes per subject is enough), and able to be understood (only perfect practice makes perfect). If you have questions about the homework, talk to your child's teacher.